I know it's not Christmas yet, but I've been thinking of a New Year's Resolution. It's not going to be losing weight I know that for sure, I've been doing that all year. My overall weight loss is 27lbs. I look at old pictures of myself where I thought I looked skinny and I can't believe what I was thinking. I kinda want to get down to a size 1, I'm at size 2 right now. Not quite happy yet. I've plateaued, so I need to jump start my exercise routine with something different so that I can get to my ideal weight. It was originally 115lbs, but now that I'm so close to that I was thinking maybe 110lbs. I promise I'll stop when I get to there or if I get to a size 1. I think I'd rather be a 1 regardless of how much weight I'll lose. So why continue to lose more weight? I don't know...I think I feel inadequate still. I have my moments where I stare at the mirror and think about the things that need to be changed or "improved". I think I've always had this problem, but always put it away in a quite place. Now it's out there. Is it evident now that I got issues with the way I look? I hope so, growing up it wasn't easy I was always told I was chubby. When I look at the pictures, I don't look chubby at all. I see where I look bigger than other kids, but they were just too skinny. hahahaha. But when I got older and I had boyfriends and such, they were complete assholes. Let's start with Rod, he used to tell me that I was lazy and that I should go to the gym. And he would say shit to me like, why are you going to drive to the gym why don't you ride a bike or something are you lazy? WTF??? What a fob I can't believe I actually listened to him. Then there was James, whoo hoo...he used to make fun of me because my clothes were feeling tight. Why do your pants feel tight? Are you getting fat? He should talk, he was fatter than me! Even though it may start off as a joke, it doesn't feel like one. I let myself go after all that. And then I saw myself, fat and unhappy. Now that I'm with Kenney, I'm skinnier and happier. But all those bad memories hurt me. Those guys made me feel so inadequate. So ugly, so unsexy, so unpretty. I lose weight for me. Kenney is a little concerned that I feel that I should continue to lose weight. But I don't know why I feel this urge to get smaller. Why? Is it because of all those guys who would say mean things to me? It's for me, I know it is. Not for Kenney, hell when I first started losing the weight he already thought I was rather slim. He's a sweetheart. He calls me gorgeous and tells me I look beautiful. He always tells me that I'm sexy, at least once a day. I love him so much for that, but regardless of his kind words those mean ones keep creeping through. But why? After all this time, why do I still give a damn? After all this weightloss, why do I care? Where do I begin to heal? I've got a great guy who loves me just the way that I am, but I'm so unhappy with the way that I look. Why? What else do I need to do to boost my ego. It's been in the dumps lately. I don't know what it is. Maybe I need my friends, my familia, I don't know. I just don't know. I want to stop losing weight, it's true. I'm going to the mall today to try on some jeans. If I'm a size 1, I'm going to slow it down. I want to stop this madness. I'm trying to get over it. I want to start on my New Year's Resolution. It will have something to do with finishing school. I need to focus, focus, focus. I hate school, I've been going to school way too long. I keep changing my mind. It sucks. But I'm going to try wholeheartedly to stay with my current major. I think that' s my Resolution. I should be done with school by May of '08. Damn it sounds like it's a long time from now. I think I'll be 27 by then. WOW. I hope I survive.